Have you ever had one of those weeks when you get your toes stepped on a lot? Well, last week was one of those weeks for me. There are times when I allow my heart to get hard and I try to ignore the problems or issues that I have. Sometimes I ignore what God is trying to tell me because I know if I listen, it is going to hurt. Lately I have had enough hurt, so like a toddler, I have been covering my ears and stomping my feet so I don't have to hear what my Dad has to say. I run away and ignore Him as He gently tries to bring me back. Sometimes the harder He pursues, the faster I try to run. I know He loves me in my heart, but sometimes it is hard to get the message through to my head. Because He is so much greater than me and I am unable to understand His ways, I push away and fight as He holds me close.
Last weekend, I cried out to Him and told Him that I was angry. I don't understand why I am to pray for things when I didn't get the answer I wanted. I cried out in faith for months, and years hoping the outcome that I was told was coming would change. I held out hope that He could and would change hearts. I know He can, why do we not listen? Why do you allow us to disobey when it hurts others and eventually ourselves? Why did you allow me to be hurt by someone else? Where were you when I hurt? I know you were holding me and catching my tears. Why do I still have those tears? Why do you allow my mind to trick me into thinking that everything that I have been through in the past few years is a dream and that everything is ok? Waking from those dreams and realizing they are just dreams hurts. It reopens the wounds. Just like a wound that it healing, when the scar is ripped, the wound opens and bleeds again. Maybe not as much as before, but it still bleeds. Eventually the wound heals and the scar is still sensitive. Eventually it will toughen up........eventually.
I know He was speaking to me because of the first thing that I heard when I walked in to my Sunday school class (late as usual). The teacher was saying, "God is not a genie in a bottle that we pray to when we need or want something. " God was reminding me that although I pray, He grants what He wishes me to have in His will, not what I in my flesh want. Sometimes it is so hard to realize that what I think would be best for me, is probably not best for me. God can see the whole picture and what is going to happen. He knows what is best for me now and 50 years from now. I know that the things that have happened have occurred for a reason. However, He is only giving me enough light to see the next step, not the whole picture.
After class, I went to service and He allowed me to worship and cry out to Him. He spoke to me even though I have been a stubborn, defiant child. He is lovingly drawing me back into fellowship.
One day soon, I will be able to worship in the pure joy of a child who is right with Him who loves, holds, and takes the hurt away.
The Flag Flies High
7 years ago
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